Do you mind if I give a bit of feed back? I do like this setting and the adventurous tone, but there is little to no internal narration, which creates the "he did this, he did that" problem.
Example: "He kneels. He fills his flasks with water and washes blood from his face and hands. He spots a fish. He grabs a stone. He hears footfalls and snapped twigs and a battle cry."
Also, when our protagonist entered the cave with bodies, the POV changed from 3rd, to 1st--was that intentional?
Yes, so the lack of internal narration is intentional, as well as the POV switch. Essentially what I was trying to convey that this individual (Josiah) is being watched over by an outside force (hence no internal narration, we can only see the actions he is taking). The ending POV switch is intentional in the way that the narrator, he who is watching over Josiah throughout the story, is absorbed by Josiah; he becomes we/I. I do see how this is confusing for readers, it was a bit of an experimental narrative on my end.
In that case, I would suggest external narration—which is how omni narration ought to work, but many miss that point, haha. Because it really does hurt the story when every sentence is “He . . . He . . . He…”
You could even do omni first person! Which is how “The Night Land” by William Hope Hodgson works.
Do you mind if I give a bit of feed back? I do like this setting and the adventurous tone, but there is little to no internal narration, which creates the "he did this, he did that" problem.
Example: "He kneels. He fills his flasks with water and washes blood from his face and hands. He spots a fish. He grabs a stone. He hears footfalls and snapped twigs and a battle cry."
Also, when our protagonist entered the cave with bodies, the POV changed from 3rd, to 1st--was that intentional?
I might also add I was reading Cormack McCarthy at the time that I wrote this and Blood Meridian wooed me.
Yes, so the lack of internal narration is intentional, as well as the POV switch. Essentially what I was trying to convey that this individual (Josiah) is being watched over by an outside force (hence no internal narration, we can only see the actions he is taking). The ending POV switch is intentional in the way that the narrator, he who is watching over Josiah throughout the story, is absorbed by Josiah; he becomes we/I. I do see how this is confusing for readers, it was a bit of an experimental narrative on my end.
In that case, I would suggest external narration—which is how omni narration ought to work, but many miss that point, haha. Because it really does hurt the story when every sentence is “He . . . He . . . He…”
You could even do omni first person! Which is how “The Night Land” by William Hope Hodgson works.
I will check this out, thank you for the suggestion!
It’s public domain, so free to look up, just skip to the second chapter where the real story begins.